


The Long Goodbye

by CariadWinter



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Garrus loved her too, Heavy Angst, I've played Mass Effect too many times, Implied/Referenced Character Death, So yeah..., Some comfort, Sorry Not Sorry, Suicidal Thoughts, This is NOT a fix-it fic, Vid Recordings, i cried, so much hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-05-05 10:47:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14616782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CariadWinter/pseuds/CariadWinter
Summary: Kaidan knows before Hackett finally manages to contact the Normandy, that Shepard is gone. He'd known it the moment she'd died; had felt it in his bones. Now, all that's left are memories and the pieces he's not sure he wants to put back together anymore.





	The Long Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Mass Effect is one of the few games that I live and breathe for and no matter how many times I try to romance someone else, I always end up coming back to Kaidan. He pisses you off in the second game, but I understood it. He pisses you off at the beginning of the third but he comes around. And this thing they have between them, I don't know, it's beautiful to me. They love each other, have from the start, and they manage to find their way back to each other no matter what. I like that. Sadly, I also felt like the writers could have put a little more depth into their relationship in the third one. It was rushed and poorly developed. Kaidan pisses you off so much in the second game because he's so hurt and yet he still walks away. Losing her felt like losing a limb. He says later that once it's all over that maybe they can figure things out... and hello... where was he between the second and third game? Because clearly they haven't spoken and I can't imagine they wouldn't have let him speak to her. House arrest or no. Anderson would have pulled some strings. So thanks for that let down Bioware. But I digress... 
> 
> The ending, when they said goodbye and then when she's sending him back to the Normandy, you can see that he knows already. He knows what's coming. I cried for him because damn it, they've been through this already and the first time nearly killed him. So yeah, this fic was born from that. I apologize.

Hackett’s message had come through before the Normandy ever got off the ground. The war was over. The Reapers were not gone but changed as they all had been. It was over. And Shepard… Shepard was gone.

The news hit Kaidan like a punch to the chest. 

She was gone.

He was here and whole and safe and she was gone. Again.

He'd known, of course. He'd know it from the moment she'd left him. He'd felt her go when the weapon had fired. Still, having it confirmed killed any hope he'd had of being wrong. And god how he'd wanted to be wrong. The pain of it sliced through him like a killing blow. The blade of it buried itself deep, twisted in through his ribs and hollowed him out, leaving only room for grief and rage. He couldn’t breathe without her. Couldn’t think.

Unable to face anyone, he’d locked himself in her quarters. He didn't need their pitying looks or empty assurances that everything would be okay. Nothing would be okay. This would never not hurt. It would live with him now, festering in his veins like a sickness until all that was left of him was sadness and regret. The others were hurting too. Garrus, Liara, and Joker especially, but Kaidan couldn’t be strong for them. He’d done that once. He couldn’t do it again. This time was harder. He’d gotten her back, he’d made so many mistakes, and just when he’d thought they’d sorted themselves out - just when he’d let himself think there was a future there…

“I can’t… do this… Jane,” he choked out through the tears. “Not again. I can’t…”

The room spun around him, tilted, and he stumbled to the edge of her desk.

“Damn you,” he breathed out. Angry at himself. Angry at her. Angry at all the ways this could have gone down for them but hadn’t.

“Damn you!” he snarled and his grief flared high, burned through him in a wave of white-hot fury. 

Kaidan swept the desk in one swift motion. The contents sailed through the air; crashed to the floor or punched into the far wall before following the rest to the ground. He brought his fist down on the newly bared surface; the jolt of pain that jumped up his arm helped to push the agony into retreat. He punched the desk again and again, hit it until his knuckles were bloody and then shifted his gaze to the wall beyond it. He looked at the dozen or so tiny ships Shepard had collected along the way and growled. The biotic blast that followed was devastating. It blew the glass out; shattered it into a thousand tiny, little shards and sent them raining down over the living area. The ships followed, breaking against the surfaces that stood in their paths.

The effort left him breathless and Kaidan trembled and slumped, caught himself against the edge of the desk before sinking completely to the floor. The agony, lost in that momentary reprieve, was back again, crushing him from the inside out. 

“I hate you,” he sobbed; tears pouring down again. “You promised you'd always come home.”

His shoulders jerked as he finally gave in and sobbed there on the floor. The Earth was safe. The galaxy was safe. And he’d damn them all just to have her back again.

 

* * *

 

When Liara came to him a few hours later, Kaidan was still on the floor, a picture of Shepard and him resting on his thigh. He traced her face with his finger. They’d been happy that day. She’d been smiling. He always loved her smile.

“Oh, Kaidan,” Liara murmured softly and knelt at his side. Her hand came up, fingers brushing back through his hair, but he couldn't be bothered to look at her.

“She promised me,” he mumbled, gaze still clinging to the memory of that day on the Citadel. 

It had been one of the few days that they’d enjoyed a lazy morning together. They’d made love and he’d cooked her breakfast. Afterward, they’d headed up to the Presidium and she’d held his hand as they’d walked around. He’d kissed her in public for the first time that day. It had been perfect. So perfect, in fact, he’d considered asking her to marry him. Instead, he’d made her promise to never leave him again and she’d said okay. It had been enough.

“I’m sure she tried, Kaidan,” Liara soothed; her hand dropping to rest over his. “She loved you. More than anything.”

Kaidan snorted out a sloppy laugh and reached up to swipe at his nose. There didn’t seem to be an end to his tears or his anger.

“It wasn’t enough though was it?” he pointed out bitterly. “No matter what we did, no matter how much we loved each other… it wasn’t enough. She’s still gone.”

Liara’s mouth opened, closed, and then opened again. “I don’t know, Kaidan,” she sighed. “It seems like this war was determined to take everything from us. But… but at least you had that time with her. At least you had the chance to love each other and she was stronger because of that. She confided in me that whenever she felt like she couldn’t make it, whenever it all became too much for her… she just thought of you. How strong you were. How much you loved her. You gave her the strength to do what none of the rest of us could. We’re alive, Kaidan, because of you.”

Kaidan snorted again and pulled his hand away. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?” he asked; the words sharp and spoken with the intent to sting. “Am I supposed to feel grateful? Humbled maybe to have been a part of this? A part of her? Because I don’t, Liara. All I feel right now is angry and hurt and I want... “ The tears flooded his eyes again and he gasped at the force it took not to break down sobbing again. 

When he finally looked at her, it was with every ounce of emotion that was threatening to drown him. “I’d burn it all down around us if it meant having her back again.”

Liara smiled sadly and nodded, her own eyes glistening in the dim light of the room. “I know,” she said and sat back on her heels. “Me too.”

Kaidan huffed and let his gaze drop back to the picture in his lap. “I just uh… I’m not really... “ He licked his lips and looked back up at her. “I just need to be alone. Please. I can’t… do this right now.”

Liara nodded, her own tears falling, and brought a hand up to cradle his cheek. “Of course,” she told him but reached into her pocket instead of standing. “I just wanted to bring you these. Shepard… before she… before we made it to Earth… she gave me these. For you. She said… if something happened…”

She sniffed and swiped at her eyes, then shoved the small discs into his hand. Without another word, Liara leaned forward, pressed a kiss to his forehead, and then fled the room.

Kaidan looked down at the tiny discs in his hand and blew out a slow, deep breath. If these were what he thought they were, he wasn’t sure he was ready yet. If these were her goodbye, he couldn't hear it. Not now. Not yet.

He closed his hand around them, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath.

Maybe not ever.

 

* * *

 

Eventually, Kaidan put Shepard’s name on the memorial wall. They gathered together and they said their goodbyes and Kaidan died a little more inside. He kept himself together, he held back his tears, and afterward, he gave Joker the order to take them home. As far as Hackett was concerned, the Normandy was Kaidan’s now. He was captain. And it felt wrong, even if it still felt like home. 

“I told her, when you first joined the Normandy again, that getting involved with you was a mistake.”

Kaidan shifted his gaze from her name to the man at his side. The others had dispersed ages ago, but Garrus remained. He looked as wrecked as Kaidan felt. 

“You broke her heart,” Garrus stated, gaze focus on the wall before them. “Back on Horizon. You turned on her so quickly and I couldn’t, for the life of me, figure out how you weren’t just thankful she was alive. Because I was. The second I laid eyes on her on Omega... “

Garrus shook his head and clasped his hands together at the small of his back. “I told her you’d hurt her again. That you couldn’t be trusted.”

Kaidan grit his teeth and straightened a little. He supposed he’d deserved that. Still, it hurt. “Biggest regret of my life,” he mumbled and looked back to the memorial. “So much wasted time.”

“And for what?” Garrus asked; a slight note of anger in his voice. “Because I can’t believe it was just about Cerberus. You’d have followed her through the gates of hell before she died and I saw what losing her did to you. I know you would have given anything to have her back and yet, once she was standing there, you ripped her apart.”

Kaidan dropped his chin to his chest and sighed. “Fear,” he answered quietly. “A part of me died with Shepard that day and I… I barely made it back from the edge, Garrus. You don’t know how many times I wanted to just put my gun in my mouth and follow her down. How many times I tried but couldn’t manage to pull the trigger.”

He sniffed back the tears threatening to fall and cleared his throat. “I thought, before I met Jane, that I knew what love was. But…” Kaidan shook his head. “I was wrong. I’d never loved someone like that. It was like… it was like she had become this vital part of me, a part that I needed to survive and she was just gone. She was gone and I didn't know how to keep going, Garrus. I didn’t know how to live without her. It took every second of those two years with her gone to just remember how to breathe again without hurting. And then she was back, standing right in front of me and… I panicked. I shut myself down and I shut her out because I was afraid of losing her again. I thought that if I just walked away from that… that maybe we could both just move on.”

“But you never did,” Garrus stated and Kaidan shook his head. 

“But I never did.”

It was Garrus’ turn to nod and the tension that had risen between them in the past few moments subsided. “Neither did she,” the Turian offered. “She told me that she understood why you walked away. Said it had hurt and that, yes, there was a part of her that had felt betrayed, but she loved you. She knew, deep down, that whatever happened between the two of you, there would always be trust there. She trusted you to have her back even if she didn’t trust that you wouldn’t break her heart again.”

Kaidan stared, for a long time, at her name on that wall. “We all ended up a little broken in the end didn’t we?” he offered quietly.

Garrus nodded again and reached out to place one hand on Kaidan’s shoulder. “Yeah,” he agreed. “I think we did.”

They’d never been the best of friends, but standing there with him then, Kaidan saw what Shepard had seen in the Turian all those years ago. And for the first time, since he’d met him, Kaidan could honestly say that he was glad to call Garrus his friend.

“You loved her,” Kaidan stated without question.

Garrus turned to face him, hand still resting on his shoulder. “She was my best friend. The best I’ve ever had. And yeah, maybe a small part of me loved her. But she belonged with you, Kaidan.” He squeezed Kaidan’s shoulder and then dropped his hand away. “She always has.”

Kaidan smiled at that and reached out to trace his finger along the letters of her name. “Thank you, Garrus.”

“Any time, Alenko,” Garrus replied, then turned and left as silently as he’d come.

 

* * *

 

“What’s our ETA?” Kaidan asked as he came to a stop behind Joker. They'd been limping home for days and the Normandy was starting to feel like a tomb.

Joker didn’t speak right away. He simply tapped his fingers against the console, read the information given to him, and then banished it away again with a swipe of his hand.

“Few hours,” Joker replied with none of the levity that everyone had come to expect from him.

Kaidan lingered, his gaze shifting from the view at the head of the ship to the back of Joker’s head, and then over to EDI. She glanced up at him, frowned, her own gaze sliding to Joker before looking back to her own console.

“Joker,” Kaidan began and reached out to place a hand on his shoulder. “Jeff…”

“I’m fine,” Joker insisted, voice hard. 

Kaidan squeezed his shoulder gently and then turned to leave. He wasn’t going to push. He knew exactly where Joker was and if the man wanted to talk about it, he would.

“She’s really gone this time isn’t she?” Joker asked just as Kaidan was about to pass through the security field.

Something twisted in Kaidan’s chest and he answered without turning. “Yeah. Yeah, I think she is.”

The renewed silence that followed was shattered only with a small, barely noticeable sniff. Kaidan turned his head, almost talked himself into turning back and trying to offer what little comfort he thought he could, but the sound of EDI moving stopped him.

“It’s okay, Jeff,” she soothed quietly and Kaidan all but ran. She could do more for the man than he could.

He moved swiftly but mechanically across the navigation deck to the elevator. “I’ll be in the commander’s quarters if there’s an emergency, Traynor. Don’t disturb me otherwise please.”

Samantha nodded and whether she acknowledged his slip of the tongue or not, he couldn’t be bothered with it. He may have taken over command of the Normandy, but for now, the captain’s quarters still belonged to Shepard. She was still everywhere in that room and he didn’t know if he’d ever be able to bring himself to change it.

When he got there, Kaidan sealed the door behind him and moved down the few stairs into the living area. Her clothes were still hanging in the closet and stacked neatly in their drawers. Her music was still queued up by the bed and her hairbrush lay on the bedside table beneath the light. The sheets smelt like her skin, the pillow like her shampoo. She was everywhere he looked and it made him never want to leave those four walls. For him, in here, she was still alive. They’d be home soon though and he’d be forced to leave. Not forever, but long enough to know that he needed to start gathering up her things before someone else did.

Instead of moving to pack, however, Kaidan bent to retrieve the discs Liara had given him from the bedside drawer. He grabbed his tablet as well and moved to sit on the sofa. 

For a moment, he let all of it rest in his lap as he stared at the fish tank. Shepard loved those fish. She’d sat for hours watching them some days. It calmed her somehow. And he could see it, now when everything felt so insanely cracked and frayed at the edges. The fish brought him peace the way they brought Shepard peace before the end. He’d have to make sure they were taken care of or have them moved to wherever he ended up living once they were home.

With a deep breath, Kaidan set the discs next to him and turned on the tablet. It didn’t take long to boot and with shaking fingers he inserted the disc with the oldest date scribbled on it.

Shepard’s face appeared on the screen and Kaidan immediately hit pause. He dropped the tablet on the sofa next to him and brought his hands up to cover his face. His heart was pounding. It throbbed against his breastbone, thudded and thudded until he was certain his bones would crack.

“Fuck,” he rasped and shook his head. “I can’t do this.”

His whole body hurt and his face felt hot and it was hard to breathe again. The ache tightened around him like a vice. He shouldn’t be watching these. He shouldn’t have to watch these. She should be here with him.

When he dropped his hands away, he caught sight of the fish again and she was standing there. Her hair was down, mussed slightly from sleep, and she was dressed in his T-shirt from the day before. She’d looked so peaceful like that, so at ease with the world and everything they had to face. Jane had always been strong for everyone around her.

He took another deep breath and reached for the tablet again. Hit play.

“Hi, Kaidan,” Shepard began with a sad smile and Kaidan swallowed past the lump in his throat. “I know things aren’t good between us right now. I know I’m probably the last person you want to hear from, but…” she dropped her gaze for a moment and Kaidan’s heart twisted. “We’re about to go through the Omega 4 Relay and this might be the last chance I get to tell you how I feel.”

She looked back to the screen and Kaidan could see how wrecked she was. How uncertain. “You hurt me, Kaidan. On Horizon. There were so many things I wanted to say to you and you just… couldn’t hear me. I understand. I think. You couldn’t see past Cerberus. I don’t know if the roles had been reversed if I would have been able to either. But I hope you can hear me now. Because I need for you to hear me, Kaidan. I need for you to know that all of this, everything I’ve done and everything I’m about to do… it’s because I love you.”

The tears came swift and hot and Kaidan curled in on himself a little, tablet clutched in both hands now because of how hard they shook.

“I know you don’t want to hear that but it’s true. For me, it was like no time passed at all. When I woke up on that table it was like the attack on the Normandy had just happened. All I could think about was getting to you and the rest of the crew. You were the first person I asked for. The first one I needed to find. I searched for you. I went to the Citadel and I looked. You weren’t the only one Anderson stonewalled. I did try to find you, Kaidan, and I never stopped. Not once until I saw you there on Horizon.’

‘When I thought you might be in danger; when the Illusive Man told me that you were on Horizon and the Collectors were headed there next, I couldn’t get there fast enough. I was so afraid that they would take you. I never…” Shepard’s voice choked off and he watched her fight with herself before straightening and looking into the camera again. “The second we touched down I searched for you. And when I couldn’t find you, it was the most scared I’ve been in my entire life. But then there you were, safe and alive, and god, Kaidan, you have no idea how happy I was in that moment. Being in your arms, it made everything worth it. I was home.” She shrugged and dropped her gaze to something off camera.

“When you pulled away, the way you looked at me… I never wanted to work with Cerberus. I went to the Alliance. I begged the Council for help and everyone I talked to shut me down. No one believed the Collectors were a threat. So I did what I had to do, Kaidan. And I’m sorry that hurt you. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you. I’m sorry that you had to mourn me for the past two years and I need you to know that if I could have changed it, I would have. I never wanted to leave you. I loved you. I still love you. And I hope… Kaidan, if I don’t come back from this… I just need you to know that I’m sorry. I need you to know that you made me happy, even if just for a little while. And I need you to forgive yourself. Nothing you could have done would have saved me, Kaidan. Not then. Not now.”

Shepard reached out, pressed her fingers to the screen and Kaidan did the same.

“Goodbye, Kaidan,” she said softly. “I love you. Always.”

The screen went dark and Kaidan crumbled. He clutched the tablet to his chest and rocked with it; held it tight as though it were Jane in his arms.

“I’m sorry,” he whimpered. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there with you. I should have been.”

He stayed that way for a while. Just rocked and cried and tried to convince himself that it was her in his arms instead. The first time he’d thought her dead, it had devastated him. He’d barely made it out the other side of his grief and this was worse. This time, Kaidan didn’t know if he wanted to. This time, it was even more tempting to just pull the trigger and follow her home. He wanted to die with her because he knew there was no coming back this time. Jane was gone and whatever she'd done to them, Kaidan had the sinking suspicion that it would mean a much longer life for him than he wanted.

 

* * *

 

It took a while for Kaidan to calm himself and set the tablet aside. He moved from the sofa to go splash some water on his face and grab a drink. It didn’t help much. He knew he’d be a mess again in a second, but it helped him pull himself together long enough to watch the next disc. This one was dated the night before they’d reached Earth. Shepard must have recorded it while he slept.

Her face was illuminated by the blue glow of the aquarium and she was looking off to the side. When she looked at the camera though, he could tell she’d been crying.

“I keep trying to convince myself that this isn’t it,” she began. “We’re almost home, Kaidan. We’re so close to the end of this and all I can think about is losing you. I know I shouldn’t. I know I should be focusing on winning this, but then I look at you…” Her head turned again and he knew it was him she was looking at. “I look at you and all I can think about is not hurting you again.”

When Shepard looked back at the camera, there were tears in her eyes. “Because I’m going to, Kaidan. I’m going to hurt you again and it terrifies me. We’ve made promises to each other. We’ve planned out a life together and I don’t… “ She shook her head and the tears fell. “I’m not coming home, Kaidan. I think we both know that. I got lucky the first time. Cerberus brought me back and I got to have time with you that I shouldn’t have. I got a second chance to love you and god help me, Kaidan, I thank them for it every day.”

Shepard swiped at the tears on her face and sighed. “I’ve never known what it felt like to have a family. I spent my childhood fighting in the streets for survival. I did things that I wasn’t proud of to pull myself out of the gutter and build a life for myself. I was hard and unyielding. I never bothered to stop and get to know the people around me. But then you came along and you smiled at me and it turned my whole world upside down. You taught me that it was okay to care about people. You taught me how to love and nothing I say could ever sum up how much that means to me. Thank you for loving me, Kaidan. I wouldn’t be able to do what comes next if you hadn’t. You saved me. And now…”

Shepard took a deep breath and swiped at her eyes again. “Now I need you to save yourself. Because if you’re listening to this, that means I was right. That means I’m gone. And I know that you’re hurting. I know you’re angry and I know I broke my promise to come back to you. But I need you to be strong for me. Okay? You’re the strongest person I know, Kaidan, and I need you to pick yourself up and keep going. Can you do that for me?”

Kaidan choked, his shoulders shaking and he shook his head. “No.”

Her hand reached out to touch the screen and Shepard leaned in close. “The galaxy doesn’t need me anymore, Kaidan. It needs you. I need you. You have to rebuild and lead. Find peace in the rubble. Everything we’ve done here, the alliances we’ve made, you have to make sure that lasts. For me. For them. Or else, what did we do it all for?’

She smiled and it broke him. “I love you, Kaidan.”

Kaidan pressed his fingers to the screen as she dropped hers away.

“Jane?” he heard himself call from the recording and she smiled again, eyes fixed to the screen.

“I’ll be waiting on the other side, Major," she whispered softly. "Shepard out.”

Kaidan placed the tablet face down on the table and squeezed his eyes shut. 

“Captain?” Joker’s voice broke in and Kaidan’s heart twisted in his chest.

He sniffed and blinked his eyes open.

“Yeah?” he replied, voice rough.

“Sorry to interrupt but… we’re thirty minutes out.”

Kaidan nodded and forced a deep breath into his lungs.

“Thanks, Jeff,” he said and wiped one last tear from his face.

“Yeah,” Joker replied and then was gone.

Kaidan stared down at the tablet, then slowly looked around the room. He could feel her with him, around him, and he sank into it like a welcomed embrace.

“Okay, Shepard,” he murmured and nodded as he stood.

He couldn’t promise her he’d stay strong forever. He already wanted to curl up under their blanket and cry himself to sleep again. But right now, he could give her what she’d wanted. Kaidan would pick himself up and help rebuild everything the Reapers had destroyed. He’d make sure the alliances she’d built held. Beyond that though, he knew the truth. There would never be anyone else. Jane was and always would be the love of his life. And when the time came, he'd leave this life, one way or the other.

“I love you, Jane,” he murmured softly and moved to freshen himself up and get ready to face what was left of the human race. He had work to do. For now.


End file.
